


Reason To Be

by MyCedarChest



Category: Iron Man (Comic), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5162120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyCedarChest/pseuds/MyCedarChest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No change occurs without reason. Set between IM1 and IM2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reason To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Most of the characters in this story belong to Marvel Comics and whoever else has current legal ownership of Iron Man at the moment. No infringement on any corporate, business, or individual’s rights is intended in any way. This story is not being written for profit, just for enjoyment.

Reason to Be

Tony sat motionless on his surfboard as he looked out to sea, his bourbon eyes squinting against the glare of the bright afternoon sun. He could feel the long-shore current slowly carrying him towards the public beach and away from his private beach but he didn’t care. In fact he somehow thought that appropriate because for the past two days he had felt that he had been somehow symbolically drifting away from his own life. 

It had been two weeks since he had announced to the world that he was Iron Man. Rhody was still mad at him over his failure to stick to the cards and keep Iron Man’s ID under wraps and still fuming about Tony putting on the brakes on SI weapons manufacturing when he got back from Afghanistan. Pepper had been angry with his self proclaimed announcement too at first, but after about a week she seemed more worried than actually mad at him. And to top it all off, the media shit storm that had been surrounding him since his first press conference after returning home from Afghanistan showed absolutely no sign of ever letting up. Even as the self proclaimed megalomaniac, the limelight was getting a little too warm for even his tastes at the moment.

Obadiah Stane’s betrayal had shaken Tony to his core. A few years before his parent’s deaths, Obie had taken Tony under his tutelage and had basically set himself up in the role as Tony’s mentor and best friend. Tony had been firmly convinced that Obadiah had Tony’s best interests at heart since his parents had died. Even after returning home from Afghanistan, when Obie told him about dealing under the table to terrorists, he still couldn’t find it in himself to hate Obadiah. But that all changed as Tony lay on his couch, a gaping hole in his chest where his reactor had been as he stared helplessly into space paralyzed and Stane told him of his intention to kill Pepper. Desperation led by blind fury fueled Tony to retrieve his old reactor and set out to do battle with the Iron Monger. Even though he hadn’t realize just how evil and power hungry Obadiah had become until it was too late, Tony was still hurting from the anguish of having to help kill Obie.

And now he was doing his best to do right by his alter-ego Iron Man, as well as trying to become both a better man and a better human being. He felt that had been literally been turning his life around ever since he had gotten out of that cave in Afghanistan. So why was it so hard for everyone to see that he was now trying to do something worthwhile with his life??

He had given up the womanizing upon his return from Afghanistan as he focused all of his attention on one Ms. Pepper Potts who was continuing to ignore his efforts to make her realize that he wanted a monogamous relationship with her. But then again he really couldn’t blame her for being skeptical of his intentions given their long history together and his tarnished track record with women in general. Since this was his first adult relationship with a woman; he was totally lost as to what he could do in order for her to change the way she thought about him. He had never felt this type of frustration before and it truly baffled him. Since he was 13, the opposite sex had always pursued him, so he had no experience whatsoever when it came to courtship or basic romance.

And after going cold turkey in Afghanistan, alcohol didn’t have that much of an appeal to him anymore. He was almost certain that at least Pepper had noticed that his drinking had nearly stopped, except for an occasional sip of scotch. For the first time in his life since he had celebrated his 15th birthday by getting drunk, he realized that being a functioning alcoholic really did suck, Even though with Pepper’s help he had been cutting down on the booze in the past 12 years, his binges still caused him to make negative headlines around the world. But after Afghanistan, he wanted something more for his life than to be remembered as the billionaire, self absorbed, but brilliant drunk.

As he continued to sit on his surfboard, his thoughts returned again to Pepper. This redirection of his thoughts to his PA had been happening more and more since he had woken up attached to a car battery. He had realized as he lay on that cold cot in that cave that Pepper had been vitally important to him even before Afghanistan, the one person he couldn’t live without. His view of her changed when he returned home and saw her again as she waited for him with tears in her eyes, and he began to look at her in a whole new light. Sure their close friendship was still there, but now he felt that there was something even more between them. For the first two weeks after he returned home, he found himself making up all kinds of excuses in order to either have her come into his workshop or him invade her office. They had begun to spend a lot of time together away from SI as she helped him to readjust to ‘normal’ life again, and even though Tony found it hard to be patient, but he was determined to let her take the lead on this new direction their relationship appeared to be taking. Unfortunately his ‘I Am Iron Man’ press conference immediately put an end to them spending time together away from the office as Pepper scrambled and worked 18 hour days effectively shunning him for the last three weeks.

As if Pepper rejecting him as boyfriend material before his ‘coming out’ press conference and then avoiding him with her cell phone constantly to her ear afterwards wasn’t bad enough, after the last mission to the Middle East two days ago Jarvis had informed him of the increased toxicity in his blood after his routine medical check up that Pepper demanded he have after each mission. Jarvis had of course waited until Pepper was out of the workshop before telling Tony about the poisoning. The eventual outcome of the palladium toxicity was not good. Jarvis estimated that he had at most six months to live based on Jarvis’ estimated progressive increase in toxicity over time. Even less if Tony continued to power the Iron Man suit while on missions. Jarvis had run preliminary studies on feasible replacements for the palladium, but had not been able to find any suitable replacement so far.

Tony had never been suicidal in his life, even though he had probably set the record for most cases of alcohol poisoning and subsequent stomach pumps of anyone still left breathing. He had even OD’d on various drugs several times before Pepper came to work for him prompting Obie to insist that Tony always have at least two trained EMTs wherever he happened to be partying. Sure he suffered from occasional bouts of depression, especially around the Christmas holidays and on the anniversary of his parent’s deaths and he would usually drink himself into drunken stupors during these times of the year. But he had never thought seriously about taking his own life.

But now it seemed that the palladium poisoning was that proverbial last straw for him. Tony didn’t get it. Why now? Why not just let him die in that fucking cave? Yinsen had died saving him and he had told Tony not to waste his life. And now he was doing his damndest to make that a reality, only to find out that he’s being slowly poisoned to death by the very invention that he had created to save his life.

Finally bowing to the inevitable, he had spent yesterday with his personal attorney, re-writing his last will and testament so that his estate would be handled the way he wanted now that most of his priorities in life had changed since returning home from Afghanistan. He had also met with his SI corporate attorney and formalized the changes that Tony wanted to make for his company when he was no longer breathing. Years before Afghanistan he had set it up with his attorneys that Pepper was to be his legal proxy whenever he was out of the country and/or legally indisposed. He had known early on in their relationship that Pepper had his best intentions at heart and he had come to trust her with not only his life, but his company. And since Obie couldn’t get a death certificate issued on him when he was missing for those three months in Afghanistan, Pepper had been legally able to keep the company running by herself without being forced to hand SI over to Obie. Tony knew for certain now that if Obadiah had been running SI, Obie would have made sure that Tony would have never been found in that desert.

Both Rhody and Happy had told him privately how well Pepper had done managing SI for the three months that he had been missing. But then Tony really hadn’t been surprised. He had always thought that Pepper would be a much better CEO that he could ever be. And he was absolutely certain now that he wanted Pepper to be the one to lead SI if he wasn’t around any more. She always had such a clear vision of the future for SI and she possessed the intelligence, persuasion, and perseverance to make her visions come to life. Tony’s visit with the attorneys yesterday had cemented his desire to set Pepper up as both the legal heir to his personal estate as well as appointing her CEO of SI if he were to be killed or die.

His gaze suddenly drifted down to the leash attached to his right leg. He reached down and slowly undid the quick release letting it fall slowly into the blue water next to his surfboard. He knew the stats: people did accidentally drown while surfing. Dying from palladium poisoning would be a slow painful death for him and agonizing for Pepper, Rhody, and Happy to watch since they couldn’t do anything to help him. And after his repeated water torture in Afghanistan, Tony wasn’t really too crazy about the idea of drowning. But now that his affairs were in order and knowing that Pepper, Rhody, Happy, and SI would be taken of for the foreseeable future, he suddenly felt at peace with a watery death staring him in the face. He had not only left Pepper enough detailed designs for inventions to propel SI into the industrial lead of planet Earth for the next 50 or so years, but his formidable personal fortune would ensure that his friends and his favorite charities would be well taken care for decades to come too.

He closed his eyes and felt the cold water against his legs and the warm sun on his face. It felt so good to be out on the water. The last time he had been surfing was about two weeks before he left for Afghanistan and he had really missed it. He had learned to surf when he was only six years old by a family friend from Hawaii and had been hooked ever since. For him being on a surfboard had always given him a feeling of belonging that no other place on earth had ever given him. He sighed softly and smiled to himself as he slowly turned his surfboard towards the sun and began to paddle out to sea. He still had one more set of breakers to go through before he would be in open water. Once he was out in open water it would then be so easy to lose himself to the sea.

As he began paddling he caught a flash of neon yellow and blue behind him to his right. He knew instinctively who it was. He silently cursed himself for being so slow in paddling out. He quickly looked ahead and noticed that the wave activity in the last set had started to pick up and the waves were quickly working up into the heavy category and definitely bitchen to ride. He had programmed Jarvis for surf alerts years ago and Jarvis would always let him know when surfing conditions were going to be good like they were now. He had learned that Pepper love to surf as much as he did not too long after he had hired her to be his PA. So both of them would sometimes skip out for a few hours to surf whenever Jarvis would sound the surf alert or when either or both of them needed some stress relief. It seemed that being on the water had the same calming effect on Pepper as it did on him.

As he continued paddling, he suddenly felt a bump against his surfboard and turned his head to the right, not surprised at all to see Pepper sitting there on her surfboard.

“Hey!” She called out to him throwing her left leg quickly over the back of his surfboard, effectively docking the two of them together. “Looks like your leash has fallen off.” 

She quickly scooped up his trailing leash and leaned down efficiently reattaching it to his right leg. He felt himself shiver at the sudden contact of her warm hand against his leg. He reflexively jerked his head up to look at her face. When her eyes moved up to meet his, Tony was momentarily stunned at just how blue her eyes really were against the back drop of the Pacific. Sure he had always known that her eyes were blue, but now those eyes of hers seemed to beckon him into their depths and he found himself falling headlong into them now. He knew right then and there that he had it bad for this woman. And he was certain that he had never, ever felt this way about any other woman in his life. But he also knew he needed to give her some sort of reply fairly quickly, but given the suddenly increase in his heart rate because of his adrenaline rush, his tongue was momentarily tied.

He had already left good bye videos for Pepper, Rhody, and Happy with Jarvis sworn to secrecy until after he had been officially declared dead. But he had really wanted to see her one more time before he left. So he waited outside her door debating on whether or not to go into her office, but as he held his hand out to grip the handle to her door, he suddenly chickened out. So he left her to her conference call and walked away from her mansion office on his way to pick up his surfboard. He just couldn’t bring himself to say what he really wanted to say to her at that time but now somehow he found the courage. “I’m really sorry that I made your life a mess, Pepper.” He blurted out suddenly wanting to somehow clear the air between them. And I am especially sorry that I left you without saying goodbye at the Firefighters Benefit.”

“Tony” she began as she tugged gently on the leash her eyes dropping down to stare at where the leash attached to his leg, suddenly lost in thought “You have always made my life a mess, so you being Iron Man has just created a different set of messes for me to deal with now. Nothing I can’t handle though.” She teased as looked up into his eyes again and then steadily held his gaze, a mischievous sparkle suddenly appearing in her ocean blue orbs. “Jarvis sounded the surf alert, and when I couldn’t locate your sorry ass inside the mansion, I somehow knew that I would find you out here trying to beat me to the best waves

She noted the confused look on his face and she reached up to brush her fingertips across his left cheek tenderly making his eyes close and his body shiver involuntarily again. “And about your offer before the “I am Iron Man’ press conference, Mr. Stark.” She paused dramatically as he quickly opened his eyes knowing exactly which conversation she was referring to and suddenly being very curious as to where her words were leading. “It wasn’t a ‘no’, but more of a ‘not yet’, Tony.”

He watched her intently as she smiled that soft smile of hers that he was so fond of. “Best ride buys dinner!” she announced cheerfully, pulling her leg back over to her own surfboard quickly and with a laugh she quickly pushed away from his surfboard and began paddling swiftly for the next set of breakers. 

They had been trying to out do each other at surfing for many years now. They had always been competitive both in the office and out of the office, but this competitiveness was especially evident when they surfed together. After so many years of arguing about who had caught the best wave and had the best ride, they had mutually agreed that the self proclaimed victor would buy dinner instead of the loser buying it. Their relationship was so unconventional, that such illogic actually made sense for the two of them.

Tony smiled broadly to himself as her words to him finally sank in and his brain registered the true meaning behind her words. She had just given him the green light for him to court her. He was suddenly ecstatic! He quickly dropped down onto his surfboard and began to paddle towards her retreating form at top speed. “That would be me, Potts!” he yelled over the sound of the approaching waves.

“We’ll see, Stark!” she yelled back over her shoulder.

A feeling of hope suddenly filled him. Pepper’s presence always gave him confidence to do the impossible. And her touch and words had just given him a reason to carry on. Maybe Jarvis was wrong and there was a cure for the Palladium poisoning after all. But no matter what, he had never been a quitter and he owed it to the woman paddling swiftly in front of him to not start being one now. After all six months was a long time, and he had managed to do some pretty incredible things in an even shorter amount of time. He reached out and dug his hands even deeper into the blue water as he increased his speed in his haste to catch up to his reason to be.


End file.
